December 20 Daily Entry -- There is something going on with my depression?

I find myself annoyed with people who are too happy. Or who have happiness that doesn't seem to match their situation or feelings.

For example, I have a friend who is in what I would find to be upsetting circumstances. She has no money and no job. She is married to a man who she doesn't love, who does nothing--either for her or in life. She has a child who would best be described as difficult. And she tells me that she's "having a hard time resisting the temptation to worry about the economy."

I....I would be worried!

She says she's in pain regularly....but I don't sense the fatigue or the craving for peace that I feel when I am in the midst of periods of pain. She sends photo after photo of her grinning for the camera, holding her cats, who she has dressed up in holiday sweaters or tiny bowties. I know we all express pain differently, but...I would give anything for an ounce of the energy she is demonstrating in a single one of those photos.

She becomes so impassioned about abstract theories of justice and minute points of law, going out of her way to point out how intelligent she is. And it seems like too much. It seems like it covers an insecurity.

And I think it all rings false to me. And it bothers me.

The reason I have been so stressed and overwhelmed and tired lately is that I have been teaching. And teaching is a job with dramatically different sides. There are the hours you spend in class -- happy and energetic no matter how you feel, because that is what a professional does. And there are the hours offstage--the time you are exhausted or in pain because of your day, the hours you should be planning your next lesson or grading or completing your own coursework.

And this "teaching persona" makes it crystal clear to me that a person can act one way while feeling the exact opposite.

Because there are two me's, I assume there are two her's. Or at least there can be.

And I am repelled by the show.

But why...why does enthusiasm repel me? I think of it as childish.

Because real adults suffer? Because real adults are in pain and depressed? Because real adults want rest and peace and safety above all else?

How American.

How can I be different? And what would it cost me?

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