December 4 Daily Entry -- What if there is no me?

I know that "I" am not my body. At least not completely. I am also my thoughts, right? Or my feelings? Maybe both?

But then again, I know I am not completely my feelings. I know that many of my feelings are chemical. When I am in pain all the time, I become a fearful person. I am anxious. Afraid of the next pain. The next bigger pain.

And my thoughts....what are those--just conditioned responses? So "I" am not any of these things, then who am I?

One could argue that "I" must be extremely local. I am THIS body with THIS set of memories in THIS physical space and time. I am an experience, never to be repeated (But the shape of which makes up the Whole, and will always now be part of the fabric of the Universe--that larger being. I came from the fabric and I will return to the fabric--my building blocks to be repurposed into another design)

Or one could argue that "I" must be extremely non-local. Here "I" am the Observer...the noticer...the ponderer. If I am The One Who Is Paying Attention, where did that Attention come from and when did it arrive? If I am the Observer, I am part of the larger Consciousness. I am a single piece of the Hive Mind that is Human Consciousness.

Either way, I will not move on from here as my single piece of consciousness. I will either be broken into parts and then merged with the whole biological universe, or I will return to being part of the Greater Whole. Either way, the "me" I know right now will not exist.

But that piece, that vulnerable little piece of me that wants to continue on until the end of time. I want to see EVERYTHING, together with my memories. If I could just witness every life experience that there is, I could be satisfied.

But am I NOT already doing that? Someone is already doing that. The Universe is conscious, and every earthly life experience that can possibly be is playing out on earth right now.

But it is not ME. The Universe is experiencing what I want to experience--every variation on earth there is. I want more than anything to know all the answers. To have seen it all. But the Universe is doing that instead of me.

Unless. Unless I AM the Universe. I AM the Consciousness. That is this Thing I feel when I sense that I am alive and aware. It is the Observer.

I am the Observer.

And this little piece of life that I want to fight so hard to keep forever...it is just one of the many experiences I am currently having. I am the dreamer and the dreamed.

So, it is a waste of energy to resist. To try to keep up those walls that separate me from everyone else.

Because nothing at all is lost when I die. The matter continues on in the material world. The consciousness continues on as part of this greater whole. And the little piece of me that is the Observer (that Attention, that single eye out of 10,000 eyes of awareness) IT simply returns to the Observer. The walls come down. My thoughts--those few observances that are true observances--those join with the greater soup of thoughts.

This must be Ego Death. All that happens here is that I lose the illusion that "I" am separate from the material world and separate from the Consciousness of others. The little "I" dies, but it doesn't really matter. Because the Collective goes on. Thoughts go on. Particles continue. And I have been part of it by virtue of the fact that I was here.

So if what I really am is the true, original experiences I have while I'm here--if that is the only thing keeping me from just being part of the outside Collective right now--then I best make the most of those.

As much as possible, I should do things--or more importantly NOTICE--things that are good, or at least true. I should experience these things as deeply and authentically as I can.

And I suppose I should tell others about these experiences. Let them share in them, whether my experiences may be deemed valuable or not. That way we can all be closer to Understanding.

And as far as my thoughts being valuable...a thing is valuable when it is rare. But when it is not rare, it contributes to the mass that is the other side (the foil to the thing of value...the dark, dusty backdrop that makes the silver star shine). Each part is vital--the thing of value, and the mass that makes up its opposite. This creates contrast. And it is only through contrast that we can see or understand anything at all.

Dark and light. Low and high. Rare and plentiful. Yes or no. Ones and zeros.