May 20 Daily Entry -- Pain of Being Seen

The quickest way to make me angry is to not acknowledge me. I hate feeling invisible.

So why have I spent my entire life trying to fade into the background? I have always try to dress in such a way that I would not stand out. I used to being called on in class.

And now that I have decided to stop performing roles for other people, and to start behaving in a way that reflects me, rather than acting as a mirror to reflect the other person's self image, I am so uncomfortable.

What about asking to be seen makes me uncomfortable? I am becoming a "me" and not an "us." It is dangerous to be a "me" because it can make you a target.

And what am I afraid of? Ridicule? Isolation? Violence?

How can I feel safe again? It does not help to tell myself we are all part of the Whole. That feels as abstract and remote as God once did.

Letting go the need for assurance? Is that the answer? "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it?" Or even "But what if it goes well? What true acceptance will I find if I brave the battlefield of rejection? What will that feel like?"

I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this, yet.

So for now I will create my own retreat in my mind. A place of safety complete with people who love me. I will add every glorious detail I can think of, and I will return here over and over until I need it no more.