May 22 Daily Entry -- We Need To Talk About My Sister

Letter to therapist:

We need to talk about my sister. The cool girl I met in class. My first friend in a long time.

We are exactly alike, she and I. We grew up together. We laughed together. We shed our Christianity with each other. We understand each other.

We used to say we are soulmates. We used to say we would grow old together. I still want to grow old with her. There are things only she understands about me.

But I realize now we are different. I am luckier. I used to think I was lucky because we MADE different choices here and there. Choice of school. Choice of husband. Choice of child. Discrete events that really could have gone one way or the other.

But now I see that I am lucky because we MAKE different choices. Once again she is in an emergency. She is stressed and frightened and sad and angry and probably--knowing her--disappointed with herself.

And I see the solution (or what I believe to be the solution) standing in front of her, and yet she doesn't see it. (I cannot say "fails" to see it here, because she is me, and I can't stand to have us fail.)

And I look back and see that over and over again she has failed to see the choices as I would see them.

And suddenly I feel a muscle in my back that I can't identify untwinge. I don't know how long it has been tight, but now it releases.

I have been afraid that at any moment I could become her. That I would make one wrong choice and suddenly find myself in her situation.

This terrifies me, but why wouldn't it happen? I am her and she is me. We are soulmates.

Seeing her misfortune makes me afraid of the same fate.

But if I acknowledge that I am luckier than her, what am I saying? Am I saying I am smarter or better or somehow nobler than her? That can't be true. We are the same. We act the same. We choose the same. (Don't we?)

If I acknowledge that I am luckier--that I am "winning"-- that is terrifying, too! Because the status of "winner" implies a competition.

And I don't want there to be a competition because then what if I fail? (Again worrying, "what if I become her?")

And if I fail....what then? Will I not receive love? Of course not! In all of society failures are ridiculed and despised.

What if instead of this, I just allowed myself to feel glad I was luckier ("grateful" if it is more palatable). If I let myself feel sorrow for her, but know that our lines are not connected in everything.

We are separate people, she and I. We will always be sisters. We will always share a past. We will always be in each other's lives. But we are not the same person.

That is a painful realization. It makes me feel alone. But perhaps it is true.

Perhaps it is better for me to realize that I AM lucky and I AM happier than her. I don't have to be unhappy because she is unhappy. It is not "our" mental health.

I do not have to fear the same things she has to fear. I have safety nets.

My husband is a problem solver. We would work it out together.

My family would support me. They wouldn't hold my childish past against me.

I have no one depending on me for their survival.

We are not the same. I feel sorry we are not the same. I feel guilty we are not the same. I feel uneasy we are not the same.

I don't have to fear the things she does. So the little fears can effect me less. I have time and resources to recover. Family and financial support to soften any blow.

And I don't have to justify being luckier. Justifying doesn't help anyone and it doesn't change anything.

I should accept and appreciate that I am luckier, and use my extra time, resources, and health to be kind and calm and do the best things I think I can do.

I don'r need to be defensive for being luckier. At the end of the day it IS all luck. There is so much beyond our control that we can take little credit for our achievements. It's all luck. Anyone else who had my set of circumstances could do the same.

And life is not a competition. It's a game of chance. Do your best with the cards you're dealt.