May 30 Daily Entry -- Who am I?

I am a story I tell myself. I am a collection of memories and experiences. I am a council, comprising my values and beliefs.

I have a body. The body sends me signals. The signals are sensations and emotions caused by chemical reactions and electrical impulses.

Each signal from my body is applying to become part of me. If I ignore the signal, it may try to overthrow the council, and seize control of me, and by doing so take control of my body.

It is my job as council to determine whether it shall be admitted into power or not. I MUST acknowledge the signal. I must understand where it came from, what it wants me to do, and why. And THEN, I as council, will decide whether it will become part of me, or whether I will acknowledge it, but let it move past.

For example. Today there are chemicals in my body that would like for me to feel rage. They have been created by my hormones, and they have arrived at "me" and said "we are under attack, and we should fight!"

But "I" (the eternal story, the invisible council") have looked outside my kingdom and have seen that there is no threat. These chemicals are asking me to rage, but outside the castle walls there is no threat.

So I have said "rage, then, if you must, but you will not cause the whole kingdom to rage. Go stand in the corner and scream and rage and fight and terrorize, but you are nothing but a ghost. You will not become part of the council. You will not make decisions or words. You will not become part of the story and you will not become part of ME."

And the chemicals raged in the corner. They caused me to shake. They caused my adrenaline to rise and my heart to beat. They cause my words to come out pained and clipped. But they did not become part of me. They were only chemicals, and nothing more. They died in the corner without ever becoming reality.

If my emotions are nothing but bodily sensations--chemical and electrical signals--then who am "I"? I always thought that I am an emotional being, but I am not. I am a physical body--a collection of cells, a soup of chemicals--and a conscious observer that is formed from the many physical parts.

And I the Observer can choose what becomes part of Me and what doesn't.

I am finished being at the whim of my chemicals. This Council will no longer entertain these phantoms that want us to respond to imaginary threats. Rage in the corner if you must, but the ghosts will no longer be in control of the machine. I the Council, the Observer, the collection of memories and stories and understanding, the Creator of Meaning, I will be directing the actions of this body.

We no longer need the assistance of doctors or teachers or judges or chemicals. We will do what is best for this body, and what is consistent with our values and beliefs. We will act from decisions and plans, not from blind emotion responding in general ways to unknown and unspecified threats.

We will no longer be a victim of chemistry. We will no longer be a collection of impulses. We will act with understanding and decision. And by doing so we transcend the body. We are no longer Animal. We are Real. We transcend this physical experience and become true, deliberate consciousness, existing outside the body, and co-creating our reality.

We will never be in complete control. Control is an illusion. But we can choose and shape our own understanding of reality and how we will exist in it.