Nov 25 Daily Entry -- Ceaseless Work

It has been hard and I have been so tired. The work never ends. The masquerade never ends. There is always a show to do or a show to write.

And there are always people who think I have done something wrong. And maybe I have.

My creature. That inhuman monster inside that does everything wrong because somehow she never got the same human training as everyone else. Who misses all the meetings on how to be a human, and so she does everything wrong. Who looks wrong, and speaks wrong, and smells wrong. She hides in the cave, just sitting with her shame.

She wants acceptance. I have to accept her. But first I have to notice when she is there. She is so cunning. She sneaks out of her cave and starts a war--a righteous war that I am always willing to pursue. (But afterwards I feel stupid for fighting for such a mistaken cause.)

I must notice when the war starts, and wonder why she started it.

She started it because someone accused her of looking wrong. Or because someone accused her of choosing the wrong allegiance. Or because someone told her she was too big or too loud or too much.

And so she started a war that no one will win. She says, "the fight is here! Attack this person for this!" When really, she just feels rejected. And all she wanted all along was acceptance.

I need to accept her. And I need to let her come out of her cave sometimes.

But the creature is not what I intended to write about. It's just that she has been busy this week.

What I intended to write about was this. I crave the comfort and joy of family. I want a cozy night of love and light in a soft house while the rain and darkness rule outside.

But that isn't a permanent state. That is a thing to enjoy when it arises, but we have other companions on our journey as well.

There will always be pain, uncertainty, and endless work. They are a feature, not a bug. The pain sends us a message. The uncertainty means that adventures are unfolding. And the work is there to keep us warm.

We must approach all three of these uncomfortable things with curiosity. Speak to them. Speak to the pain. Speak to the uncertainty. Speak to the work.

Really, we spend too much time speaking to other humans. Speak instead to all the different elements of your experience here.

Know that it is finite. Treasure it. Approach it with curiosity.