October 24 Daily Entry -- Forbidden

I cleaned. But I did it for myself today. Not because I had to. I did it to show love for me. I deserve a clean home. I deserve sheets free of debris. I deserve a home that smells like citrus and cinnamon--not stale winter coats. I deserve a place free of worries and memories and the ghosts of all the various spirits of my mind. I deserve a home that loves me and that I'm grateful to be in.

I deserve to dim the lights and stretch my body. Loving it, taking care of it, spending the time to work out the knots and kinks, even knowing that they'll all return tomorrow. Talking to my body. Telling it I'm here and I hear it and thank you for your service.

I deserve to enjoy some music and laughter. I deserve to dissolve in a hot, salty bath that smells of rose petals.

I felt good tonight. I stop now and acknowledge the feeling of well-being in my body. The contentment that's there in every cell. I recognize that this feeling of mild to moderate bliss exists. That it's possible and it could happen regularly if not every day. If I would just slow down, shut the whole world out, and take my time.

I did not do anything wrong, taking this time for myself. Why shouldn't I? Why should the time belong to work, giving them hours they neither see nor pay for. Willingly handing over piles of creative, pleasurable energy to them.

Why should the time belong to my sister, who always has a need? Or to the girls, who want trendy places, expensive drinks, and glossy photos? Why should it belong to the friend who is sick? Or to the student who wants extra help? Or even to my husband, who wants to be diverted and comforted?

Of course all of these people have needs, but so do I. This is my time and my energy. Why wouldn't I give some of it to me first? My time and my energy are valuable to me. I need to treat them like the valuable resources they are. These commodities are scarce. Not anyone can lay a claim. Those days are over. I owe you all nothing. What I choose to give is undetermined. Make your case.

What I want will come through what I need but don't want. I choose to clean my house and I feel the comfort of a clean home be taken into my bones. I choose to give you my labor--for now--but make no mistake; it is for my benefit and no one else's.

I stand before you a wealthy queen, hearing your supplications that I might be generous and bestow a pearl of my time. Remember it.

What I want will come through what I need but don't want. And what I want, but don't technically need. The more I treat myself as a queen--valuing my time, delighting my senses, resting in a home of luxury, bathing in scented oils, and giving myself my appreciation and respect--the closer it comes. The more I let go of worry--for a queen is secure in her power--and enjoy the world around me, the closer it gets.

And what is it that I want? To be heard and understood. It will come. It's coming now. I believe in myself. I can find the delight. I can find my way back. I have not been lost.