October 26th Daily Entry -- Becoming True

Have you ever said a thing and it became true? Not a fact. Not a thing like the sky being blue (is it blue to you?) but a thought ot opinion of yours. Especially opinions about yourself. You say "I love being alone outdoors" and suddenly you do. Or you say "I am a runner" and suddenly you are.

I did this today. Not even in a conversation with another person. It was a conversation in my head. And I was explaining to someone "I think my students like me because I'm having fun. I genuinely enjoy teaching this class." And suddenly I realized it was true. I do genuinely enjoy teaching my class. It is fun for me. Now how will I keep it fun?

I put away the old things. I put away the violin. I threw away the clothes I will not wear. Ruthless and honest. This will not be me. I want it to me be, but I'm not willing to do what it takes to get there.

Today I felt myself choose not to think the worst I spilled my coffee. I tried to clean it up myself. I noticed someone noticing me. I saw a man tell the worker and the worker come with a mop. And I ran. I wanted to assume I could never go back. That they will remember and hate me. I wanted to panic and to think about consequences.

And I chose no. I said, "I will not think about this." I will not worry. Let them think what they will. Let them hate if they want. But I have no problem here. And I will not ruin my morning thinking about this.

I can feel the rewiring. It is not about gritting your teeth and changing your life. It is about changing your thought patterns. Changing how you actually perceive life.

I perceive that I enjoy teaching my class. I perceive that it is fun. I perceive that it makes me feel safe and secure and appreciated. And now I have the job I always wanted. Just like that, it changed. It became true.