October 31 Daily Entry -- My Mother Told Me

There's a lot my mother didn't teach me. Whether she didn't know, or she didn't think it was important is irrelevant. What matters is I didn't know.

I had to find things out the hard way. By messing up and getting bumps and bruises. But I can't be ashamed about that. If no one told me, how could I have known? I did the best I could with what I had.

She never taught me how to clean a toilet. She never taught me all these tips and tricks of beauty and hygiene. She never taught me how to savor life. She never taught me how to be well by being happy. She never taught me how to accept things that feel disastrous. She never taught me how to ride the waves of emotion and pain that were to come. She never taught me how to love myself. She never taught me how to say no. She never taught me of the power of going within oneself. She never taught me that I am one with humanity, but at the same time, people will take advantage of me if I let them.

Maybe she didn't know, herself. And maybe she didn't think she had the time or the words to teach me these things. And maybe she thought other things were more important.

I don't know. But I'm appreciative that I know these things now. And I give myself credit for learning all the things I have learned. I have done it on my own. No one has been able to speak my unspoken language to teach me these things.

I still want to learn how to accept being flawed. I want to learn not to care what people thing. I want to learn how to stay calm and steady when the emotions and the panic and the pain and the fear all seem so overwhelming. I want to learn to let go of my grip on life. To accept things and to allow things and just watching things happen. To float through life like it's a lazy river. Without resistance. Being carried.

I want to learn these things. I ask my ancestors to teach me.